I started several posts on this topic but never had the time to finish them, or even get past the title. Now I have a short break so I need to write it down.
Since Avery was born, I have prayed to have the opportunity to stay home. I am now able to, and it's everything I have ever wanted. I love being home with the baby, and being able to take the girls/ pick them up from school. I do, however, often question whether I am making the right decision. When I do get in doubt, though, I think about years down the road. Will I feel like I spent TOO much time with them? Probably not. Will I regret staying home. Probably not. If I was working right now, would I wish I had spent more time with them? YES! Would I regret NOT staying home with them? Definitely?
When Avery and Addy were taken to daycare at 10 and 11 weeks old, I cried like never before. I said both times that I wish I could stay home, but that if I did, I would put them back in school between 9 and 12 months old. That's when they are eating table food and mobile enough to move around unassisted. Now that Alysse is here, Mark and are talking about me being home 1-2 years. I love being home, but there are many days I feel like I am doing Alysse more harm than good. Mostly b/c I see how adaptable Avery and Addy are. Even though they don't LOVE change, they are ok with it and don't freak out when they have to change schools, get new teachers, or be without me the whole day. I am pretty sure it won't be the same with Alysse.
Before three months of age, the big girls were forced to trust other people. They were fed by others, played with and put to sleep at nap time by other people. With Alysse, it's just me and I am already noticing her inability to go to anyone else but me for anything. Although I love that baby sooooo much, I really don't want her to only want me. Especially when I need a break, just to simply take a shower. I have to be in her line of sight or she freaks out. People try to tell me that it's because I hold her too much. It's easy for other people to judge from the outside. I do what I can to survive the day with three young girls... and I cherish every moment I have with Alysse. So to some people I DO hold her too much. But I am pretty sure when she is 18 and moving off to college, I won't be wishing that I held her more when I had the chance. I love holding her, and sometimes it's just easier. We are so much on the go, I don't have a choice during those times. I am also constantly doing things for Avery and Addy so I put Alysse on my hip in order to get it all done. In the long run, it makes her very much attached to me and I can't EVER put her down... so it probably isn't doing her any good for me to hold her all day. But it's what works right now. Avery and Addy didn't get held all day b/c they were in school. So again, I am probably doing Alysse worse by being home with her. I do know, however, that it's a lot harder to hold a child when they turn 5... as I now see with Addy who still begs to be held. I'm just going to hold Alysse while I can and be grateful that I have the opportunity to!
The other thing I worry about being home with her is the social aspect of it. Both of my girls are pretty good socially. Being raised in daycare, they were forced to grow thick skin. There are all types of kids in their classes so they were faced with all different personalities. I think this really helped them b/c they don't take things too personal. If someone says something mean to them, they don't take it personal. They know how other kids can be. The big girls are also very good at defending themselves. They don't let other people walk all over them. They have been the mean ones at times too, so I have to work at making this a balance. Like their teachers tell me though, I would rather have strong willed leaders who can learn the appropriate way to say/do things b/c it's a lot harder to teach someone how to be a leader. Both of my girls are pretty confident when it comes to their general personality, and I think daycare helped them develop this. Will Alysse be confident? Since she won't be exposed to other young children, will she get her feelings hurt down the road at every little thing? I'm just going to work with her on standing up for herself and not getting upset about every little thing. I think with Avery and Addy as big sisters, she will be just fine. They already give her he$$ so I am sure she will be pretty strong minded. She already has a temper worse than they ever were!
I also feel like I suck at staying home. When I worked, I had little time at night with the big girls. So when I spent time with them, I was a pushover. I laid with them, they slept with us in our bed, I NEVER let them "cry it out"... I couldn't get enough of them. So I cherished EVERY moment with them and gave it all to them. It definitely wasn't good for my marriage either. Now that I'm not working, I don't know how to be the "mean mom" and make Alysse cry it out. I don't know how to put her down and walk away. It breaks my heart to hear her cry. So I would rather rock her to sleep and have her sleeping in 10 minutes than fight her for 45 minutes trying to get her to sleep in her crib without me. She isn't going down as easy these days so if I put her in the crib and walk away, it takes her much longer to go to sleep. Avery and Addy didn't get rocked to sleep at school. They were put in their crib and fell asleep on their own. The difference is that I didn't have to hear it. I was at work and never knew if they were sleeping or how they got to sleep. I know that I need to get Alysse to sleep in her bed for naps. I've read articles that you technically don't need to sleep train them until they are 12 months old. So I think I am going to keep doing what I'm doing. She loves sleeping in her crib. So I will continue to rock her to sleep and lay her in her bed. I might regret it in 6 months but for now it works and I love rocking her sweet little body.
It's easy to let other people's comments and ways affect how I feel about what I do. But in the end, they are MY children (and Marks). So I (we) will raise them the best I know how. I will do what works for me and my family. I will do what my heart feels is best. Some people might disagree with what I do or how I do it... but the fact is these aren't their children. Everyone does things different and that's ok. I don't expect everyone to be like me. Let's hope they aren't! In the end, I think my daughters get a lot of love, prayers, guidance support and education... which to me are the most important things in life! So staying home or working - hopefully they will turn out fine either way.
I have to learn how to do all this and completely change my thinking.
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